Temptation
by Patron Saint of Liars
Summary: Hermione granger begins to ascend into darkness &explore a rebellious streak that will cause evil to take up residence inside her.Can she be saved?Does she want to be?Rated M for chapters to come involving:sexual content,drug use,language&violence.DMHG
1. Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE**

_If anyone would have told me that at one point during my life I would become one of the most feared Dark witches this world has ever seen, I would have laughed and told them what a nice, but completely unrealistic story that makes. The truth is, my whole life I lived a sheltered, extremely good life. When I say good I mean I never stepped out of line unless it was for a good cause, a good cause that defeated "evil." Well, now I'm kind of the definition of evil. How's that for interesting._

_If you've never heard the whole story, from the beginning of my descent into darkness, you wouldn't understand a word I'm saying. If you saw me on the street, and you hadn't seen me in a few years, you'd probably smile and wave at me, ask me how my summer's going. You'd expect me to smile back and start up a nice conversation about all the little vacations I've gone on, all the good things I've done. You'd expect me to just gush about all the interesting things I'd accomplished._

_Truth is, right about now if someone smiled at me on the street, I'd give him or her a glare so full of hatred they'd wished they'd never been born. Truth is, if someone tried to conversationally ask me how great my summer's going, I'd probably throw a couple hexes on them and just saunter nonchalantly on my way, as if nothing had happened, as if we'd never even taken one look at each other's faces our entire lives. Truth is, if you saw me on the street you probably wouldn't even recognize me, but that's beside the point, isn't it?_

_So if you're having trouble understanding all of this, if you're having a bit of an issue comprehending why Hermione Granger would be explaining just how dark and evil she's become, let me start from the beginning of the Dark Lady and the end of Little Miss Goody Two Shoes. I promise, it's a story you'll never forget, and chances are, you'll find it a little unbelievable, but I promise, every last bit of it, every single word is true._

_Basically, at this point we're rewinding two or so years into the past. At this point, just imagine me, as you would remember me: a sweet, innocent, bushy haired little genius. In order to get you to understand exactly where everything went "wrong," or in my opinion right, I have to backtrack to my sixth year._

* * *

"It's beautiful," Ginny Weasley said, admiringly, her eyes never leaving the little opened box sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch we sat on. Inside that box, nestled inside a little silk handkerchief sat a silver necklace. It was more of a locket, but not even really that, for in my opinion a locket opens to reveal a picture. This necklace was more of a tiny box shaped like a heart. It was inlaid with little designs of vines and blooming roses. The top opened to reveal a small compartment, capable of hiding any sort of small items.

The box had come wrapped in silver, shining paper without a note and only my name scrawled on the top in black ink. I'd found it on my bedside table upon waking up and the surprise caught me off guard. It wasn't my birthday and no holidays were sneaking up on me without my noticing. It was just a random, unexpected gift from an anonymous source. "I wonder who would send me this…and why." I thought out loud.

Ginny snuck a quick glance at me before looking at the clock on the wall. "Well, my bet is you have a secret admirer or something of the sort, but regardless we should be getting ready for class." I smiled at the younger girl, reaching out for the little black box.

My hand stopped before touching it and I just stared at it for a second as a tiny voice inside of my head whispered, '_Discard this._'

I shook my head thinking how ridiculous that thought was. This necklace was beautiful and it hardly seemed threatening. What harm could a little heart shaped box do? Still, the warning stuck with me as I closed the top and stood from the couch. Ginny followed my action and we both turned toward the stairs. We went our separate ways at the top, exchanging small talk and goodbyes at the end. I couldn't get rid of that nagging little voice.

Once inside my room, I put the box inside a drawer of mine, exchanging the gift for clothes. The necklace slipped from my mind and I didn't give it or the warning a second thought as I slipped into my robes. The girls I shared my dormitory with began to emerge from their beds and the bathroom all talking sporadically to one another as they combed their hair, clothed themselves or just lazily sat around doing nothing. I didn't speak a word to any of them. I merely straightened my clothes and walked silently from the room.

This behavior wasn't odd to them, nor to myself. In the mornings I just didn't feel much like talking until after I had gone through at least one class and had a good breakfast. It was something about the food and knowledge acquired during that time that opened my mind and made it hungry for socialization. I was never rude in my lack of conversation to the other girls in the morning, just politely silent. They all understood and none held it against me. They knew I was good for talking later after I'd successfully settled into the routine of the day.

Once I was again in the common room I saw my two closest friends sitting in chairs near the empty fireplace waiting for me. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley both smiled warmly as I neared them. My smile was just as warm when I reached the beautiful gold and red chairs they occupied. Instead of sitting I merely nodded toward the portrait door and took a step towards it. They understood my meaning and rose from their seats. Without talking we walked towards the door.

"I'm not looking forward to Potions today." Ron said once we were in the hall, with a bit of irritation in his voice. Earlier that week he had misread the instructions during class and one of his potions had turned out terribly wrong. What should have been a potion to change ones appearance on command had merely made his partner and him turn a vile color and sprout boils on their noses. Ron had been humiliated and Snape had been ungraciously rude, along with the majority of the Slytherins they shared their class with.

"Oh, just ignore them and it'll be easier to bear. It's only two hours out of the day that you have to deal with all of that nonsense." I said with an encouraging smile. Harry merely smiled and Ron gave a feeble attempt to copy him. "Really though, you would think that a teacher would be more professional in a situation like that. Anyone could have read those instructions wrong…it's hardly your fault." I tried to comfort him. I could see that my words were helping a little as Ron's smile became less forced.

"Let's just hope that today's assignment is a little easier." Harry put in and we all agreed.

* * *

Breakfast in the Great Hall went by without any major events occurring and the rest of the day slipped by with a boring lull to it. By the time night fell and our classes were all finished with I was exceedingly exhausted of the monotony of it all. It wasn't as if I exactly liked excitement, but today had just been without any flavor whatsoever. In order to quell my restlessness I set my mind on the library after dinner.

If there was one thing that could cure both my boredom and tiredness it was a good book. I usually made it a habit to stop by the library and get a few new ones at least three times a week. I always finished every book but when I got tired of the same story I'd simply set one book down and start another, just to go back to the first one when I was tiring of that story line as well. It was a great way to keep yourself from getting bored with one extremely long book, unless of course that book was just so riveting that you couldn't set it down.

That night however, once inside the library I found that I couldn't locate a single book that held my interest for longer than a few minutes. My mind kept wandering to other things, things I hadn't thought of in a long time, since school had started. I kept thinking about my family back home in the muggle world, where I would soon be now that school was near to ending. I kept thinking about the problems my parents were facing.

My father had stumbled into a gambling addiction. How and where he acquired this little habit neither my mother nor I knew. He kept taking all his paycheck and blowing it at various gambling excursions. My mother didn't really mind so long as he never touched her paychecks, her monthly earnings. My father so far had never even attempted to use her money. And the money I earned from my summer jobs was kept safely in a savings account that no one dared touch.

I was saving up for a trip to America to visit a cousin of mine this coming summer, and I had just about enough to go. I only needed a few more weeks worth of paychecks and I would have two tickets, to and from my home, to see her. I was more than a little excited to be seeing the cousin I'd been closest to my whole life. She was like my sister, and I was very interested in seeing how she'd changed.

Her letters kept telling me about how she'd changed, became more rebellious. These were things I'd always had a secret longing to do, and perhaps while I stayed with her I could indulge a little, and then come back to the life I knew. What fun was living if you couldn't experiment a little? The thought of dabbling in the things my cousin spoke of excited me, but also made me embarrassed to acknowledge that I felt that way. If I did test out rebellion, none of my friends here would ever know about it.

But that really wasn't one of the things that were keeping me from finding an interesting book. I hardly even really thought about visiting her, except during the times that I was exceedingly frustrated with being called a know-it-all or being made fun of by several of the arrogant pure-blooded Slytherins who it seemed lived to make my life a hell. The biggest problem that kept swimming in my head was the fact that my mother was facing losing her well paying job.

With my father blowing all his hard-earned money on his addiction, if my mother lost her job we would be facing living with no money. I had tried to intervene and send my father to an intervention program to help kick his gambling addiction but so far none of my efforts seemed to be working. And he seemed to be getting worse and worse every day.

My mother was distraught over the questioning of her ability to hold a job. The reason for her possible termination from the company was for a simple slip up on the job, or not so simple. During a time when my grandmother was ill and hospitalized my mother was a complete mess. She had accidentally mixed up two patients at the office and had done the wrong surgery to one. This had cost the dentistry a fair amount of money. My mother had been mortified, and the company was reviewing her for termination.

The company understand what had made her mix up the patients and had excused it for a while until it was brought up that perhaps my mother needed some time to become mentally and emotionally stable. It seemed the company felt that my mother could not handle herself under crisis and that she would be better suited working elsewhere until the time came that she was able to fully handle emotionally and mentally wearing situations.

Meaning, they thought my mother might break under pressure again if something like what happened to my grandmother happened, and they were not willing to risk another mix up like the previous.

I was so busy thinking and mulling over these problems that I hardly noticed how many hours had managed to slip by until the librarian came and lightly touched my arm. Apparently she had said my name several times and when I had not answered felt the need to try a different tactic at grabbing my attention. I smiled apologetically and rose to my feet. I gathered the several books beside me and began to put them away hurriedly; I felt terrible for having been here so long after I should have been.

"Everything alright dear?" she asked curiously. "You seemed a little troubled…"

"Oh, no, everything's fine. I was just thinking about class work and wondering if I could finish a rather nastily long essay on time." It truly surprised me how easily that lie had just rolled off my tongue. She smiled at me and let out a soft chuckle.

"Dear, I hardly doubt you would have any trouble finishing an essay, no matter how long it may be." And I smiled in return. My reputation was widely known at the school. Everyone knew that I always finished my work, and long before it was needed to be finished. It was just something my parents had always taught me. If you left something until the end, if you procrastinated, you might not get it finished in time and then what would you have? You would have a fairly large, or small, mess to clean up. And that was never fun.

I didn't think very much as I exited the library and made my way to the Gryffindor common room. I had done enough traipsing through my thoughts at the library and now I was ready to just fall into a sense of blankness. I had become accustomed to doing this the past year or so. When I began to think about the problems waiting for me at home I just sometimes turned my mind off. It had been hard to learn how at first, but after a while you learn to just become void of thought.

There wasn't anyone in the common room when I entered through the portrait with a hushed muttering of the password to the Fat Lady. She frowned at my coming at such an hour. I really hadn't realized just how late it was until I entered the dark room. I made my way silently to the stairs and paused slightly before ascending. I looked towards the fireplace when I thought I saw a shimmering light in the corner of my eye. However, when I turned to look no such light was there.

I shook my head wondering if I was more tired than I thought and was beginning to hallucinate due to exhaustion. I lightly stepped my way up the circling staircase until I reached my dormitory door. It was slightly ajar, something the girls usually did when I was late at studying. I pushed the door lightly and it swung open. The room was dark but I knew it well enough to maneuver easily through the shadows.

When I reached my bed I sat down with a sigh. I wasn't really all that tired now that I thought about it but I needed my sleep. My hands found my drawer that held my night dresses and I rummaged aimlessly inside. My fingertips touched the small box with the necklace inside and I quickly pulled my hand back as though I'd been burned. A small shock of pain raced up my arm and I flinched. Moments later I didn't even remember that the box was there as I pulled a night dress out.

I undressed and slipped the gown over my head. My mind was peacefully blank and with another sigh I climbed into my blankets. The moment my head hit the pillow my eyes closed and I fell into a tranquil sleep devoid of dreams.

* * *

Two weeks passed without any real excitement or notable occurrences. The time for school to end was only days away and I was both excited and apprehensive. Within two weeks I would be in America but for the time until then I would be at home with an excessive gambler and a struggling depressed mother. My parents had both decided they would give me however much money I was lacking so I could see my cousin. I was deeply appreciative but at the same time felt slightly guilty.

I however felt that I deserved this vacation and so pushed whatever guilt I felt from my mind. It was surprisingly easy to do. But I'd noticed lately that lying about my true feelings and learning to shut off said feelings was becoming increasingly simple to do.

We had received our final grades in our classes the day before and I was very pleased to see that I had received top marks, yet again. This was no surprise to my classmates, or to myself. I received praised and plenty of acknowledgement for my intelligence and excellent marks. I was positively beaming the entire day. I loved to be in the spotlight for my intelligence. I worked very hard to receive those grades in class and felt that it should be noticed and pointed out.

Today I was still basking in my pride but my smile was a little lessened due to the fact that I was beginning to realize I would be leaving this little safe haven of sorts. I would miss all of my friends; even my teachers and most especially I would miss the library. If that sounds a little nerdy and ridiculous, I know, and for some reason I'm a little proud of that. I think it shows I'm more mature and intelligent than all the rest. Or maybe I'm not all too proud of that. Sometimes I wish I could just be more like everyone else, less concerned with school and learning.

Then I remember that I want to actually have a mind and get somewhere in life. That's when I stop wishing I didn't study so much or ignore social activities. I'm content with being the nerd that I am, for the most part.

Everyone in my dormitory was gushing about how excited they were to go home, and when people tried to include me in the conversation I just gushed along with them. Yes, my excitement was a little forced, and yes, I felt sick to my stomach slightly at the thought of going home, but that didn't really matter. I was glad I would get to see both my parents soon.

In order to keep myself from being trapped into talking too often, I focused my energy on packing. I pulled clothes out from drawers, folded them and placed them in my bags. I was just doing this automatically and without thought when my hand landed on a tiny box. I had forgotten about the box, about the necklace. I picked up the box from the remaining few articles of clothing and opened it.

I fingered the silver necklace lightly before picking it up gently. The chain was long enough to fit neatly over my head without the clasp being undone and before I realized I was doing it, I let the heart fall onto my chest. It wasn't heavy in the least and it rested just between my breasts. My hand cupped the little present and I slipped it beneath my shirt, where it lay nestled warmly against my skin. It was only cold for a second before the metal warmed and mimicked my body temperature. Without another thought I placed the box back in my drawer and continued to pack.

"Hey, do you want to come with us to get some lunch? We're going to take it out by the lake for a picnic." Lavender Brown's voice broke through my blank mind. I looked up startled; dropping the pair of jeans I was folding. She was smiling at me and I just stared for a moment before returning the gesture.

"Of course, that sounds like fun. Do you mind if I invite Ginny?" I asked, folding the jeans as I spoke.

"She was already invited." Lavender said still smiling. I nodded and put the jeans away. Lavender was a very nice girl, not one that I had become extremely close with on account of her obsession with fashion and beauty, but I liked her company for the most part. She waited for me while the other girls in the room piled out of the door talking amongst them. "So do you have any big plans for the summer?"

"I'm going to America." I supplied without much explanation as to why. I knew the prompting question would come, so I waited. My plans to visit my cousin had not been openly shared with anyone but Harry, Ron and Ginny.

"Oh! That sounds like fun! What's there?" Lavender said her eyes lighting up. You could tell it was one of her wishes to visit the country. Hermione laughed lightly and started walking toward the door.

"I have family that lives there. I thought it would be good to take a vacation. They moved there only a few years ago. I haven't been to see their new home yet." I said with a shrug. Our conversation remained on the subject until we reached the lake where five girls waited for us. They were all talking and smiled at us, saying hello briefly before returning to the conversation at hand. Lavender and I just settled down and continued to discuss America and my upcoming trip.

A short while later the whole group was engaged in a discussion about relationships and boys. It seemed several of the girls were very distressed to be separated from their boyfriends over the summer. I hardly had anything to contribute to the conversation. I had very little experience with boys. They just seemed uninterested in me, and I had very little interest myself.

Don't get me wrong; I had that small romantic streak that every girl has. I secretly wished to fall madly and head over heels in love with some perfect boy. Of course I thought about boys, but I just never let them cloud my judgment or remain too long within my thoughts. It just seemed pointless at such a young age. It was during these conversations or time when i was completely alone that I let my thoughts wander to such silly romantic things. I just listened to them gush about their boyfriends and talk about how they would miss them so much. I felt an ache inside of me in the part of my heart that wanted romance.

After several hours of just gossiping and talking only the way girls can all of the food we had brought was gone and the sun was beginning to set. I was the first to stand and excuse myself back to the dormitory. I really did have quite a bit more packing to do and I wanted to finish that as soon as I could. There was only one more day after this before we were sent home for the summer. I smiled apologetically at the girls for my leaving and then leisurely walked back towards Gryffindor tower. I felt somewhat empty.

Once back inside the dormitory I settled back into my automatic and thoughtless packing. All images and ideas of love and romance were swept away. All my excitement of going to America faded. And all of my fears I had concerning facing the problems at home seemed to not exist. I continued to pack right through dinner and fell asleep before any of the other girls came back.

* * *

I woke up sweating. My dreams had been filled with blood. I woke up feeling dirty. My body was sore. I groaned as I rose to a sitting position. Darkness surrounded me so I knew that it was still extremely early, but I had fallen asleep early in the evening, so I wasn't surprised. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath and gasped sharply.

I heard screams; terrible screams and I felt a searing pain shoot through my chest. My necklace burned with heat against my skin and I cried out. My eyes flew open and the screaming ceased but the heat remained. It wasn't unbearably hot but it was uncomfortable and I yanked at the chain until the heart pulled up and out from beneath my shirt. I released it immediately and it bounced against my chest once before remaining still.

I was glad that my cry hadn't been loud enough to wake anyone around me. I swung my feet over the edge of the bed and placed them firmly against the thick-carpeted floor. I was shaking. I calmed my breathing and pushed myself up. I quickly made my way to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I didn't lock the door, but put a silencing charm on it. I let out a sob and fell to my knees.

I wasn't sure why I was crying, it had been a dream. But I could hear the memory of those screams and I felt a sense of recognition in the tone. I thought I knew those voices that were screaming so horribly, but I didn't know whom they belonged to or where they came from. I wondered if this dream was a premonition of something that would occur. I wondered if my future would hold death and pain. Not once did my thoughts stray to the necklace I wore. Not once did I even recall the burning, the heat and the pain that had rushed through me.

Once again I forced myself to calm down. I rose to my feet and stared at myself in the mirror. I wiped the tears from my face. Without another glance at my reflection I shed my clothes and showered. Once clean and able to breathe normally I turned off the shower, stepping out and wrapping a towel around myself. Almost without thinking I let the silencing spell fall. Outside I could hear my classmates waking up and talking softly.

I wouldn't remember that dream for a very long time after that. And when I did finally remember it, I wouldn't fear it.

* * *

At the end of the final day everyone boarded the Hogwart's express and said their goodbyes on the long train ride back to Platform 9 ¾. I didn't say much at all to anyone, and found myself retreating into isolation. It was odd for me and I didn't fully understand why I was doing it. A part of me thinks that I was trying to prepare myself for what I would face at home. And I knew once I was faced with that I would isolate myself until I left for America. I hardly said goodbye to anyone when the train stopped. I gave brief hugs and hurried promises to write.

Then I was walking quickly away from everyone without a backwards glance. I couldn't look back or else I would cry. I was going to miss everyone and the comfort they gave me. Now it was time to face the reality of my problems and if possible, try to help fix them. Or just wait out the time until I would be gone and safely with my cousin.

My mother was waiting for me in her car. I didn't even ask where my father was. A part of me knew he was either sitting home itching to continue gambling, or that he was gambling and effectively still losing everything he had. My mother gave me a shaky smile and when I sat down she started the car and slowly began to drive.

We said our "hello"'s and then we didn't speak the rest of the ride home and for the next two weeks I hardly was ever in her presence or my father's. My mother stayed hidden in her room for the most part, reading or stayed late at work so she wouldn't see the shambled mess my father had become. And when my father wasn't out losing all of our money he remained silent and unmoving in front of the television. I felt alone.

The day that I was supposed to leave, I called a taxi to take me to the airport. I said my goodbyes just as shortly and without emotion as I had when leaving Hogwart's, only this time there were no promises to write. I wanted to leave and forget that this was my home for as long as I could. I just wanted to find a new life, no matter how temporary that life may be. I just wanted to forget the pain this home was bringing me. I wanted to fill that emptiness.

* * *

The airport was busy but the wait to board wasn't long. I ended up sitting between a kid about my age listening to headphones and an older man who read a magazine the whole flight. Somewhere after a mumbled hello from one and an irritated glance from the other I fell into a silent stupor that I was roused from when one of my flight partners started a quiet conversation with me. It was the boy sitting to my left. He wasn't looking at me when he started talking; he was staring out the window. At first I thought he was talking to himself, then realized it was my attention he was trying to grasp.

"You look like you're not overly enjoying this." He said it simply. I looked at him, and really looked at him for the first time since I'd sat down. His eyes were a peircing blue and his hair was jet black, hanging into his eyes. He had a peircing on the left side of his bottom lip and as my eyes traveled down him, I noticed his right arm was covered in tattoos. I couldn't really make out what they were supposed to be, but he was so different looking than the boys I was used to that instantly I was intrigued. You just didn't see boys like him at Hogwart's. "Afraid of flying?"

"No, just a little nervous to see my cousin. It's been a few years since I saw her last." I told him. He nodded in understanding. "Are you visiting somewhere too?" I asked. He looked me in the eye and smiled.

"I'm going home." He said it with a slight laugh to his voice that I didn't understand, but I guess that's the fun of talking to strangers isn't it? You really never know what's going on behind their eyes. We ended up talking about all sorts of things the entire flight, until both of us became tired and first he drifted into sleep and then I. We both woke when stewardess' voice came over the loud speaker telling us we were landing.

Once we were off the plane he walked me to where the baggage claim was. He helped me carry all of my luggage to the waiting area and then sat down beside me. I was confused. "Don't you need to get your bags too?" I asked. He laughed.

"I don't have any." He didn't elaborate and my curiosity as to why made me ask. "I left my whole life behind when I came here." And again, he didn't elaborate. This time I didn't ask him why he had left it all behind, because I guess I sort of understood. When I had been packing I had wanted to just leave everything I owned behind and buy new things once I arrived in America. But the reality of my monetary situation had caused me to be sensible.

We sat there for a moment, him watching me silently, and me trying not to look at him. He seemed very interested in me, and I wasn't to that kind of attention. "I never did introduce myself" I said suddenly. He smiled at me. It was an amazing smile.

"Neither did I, so there's no harm done in that." He said. "I'm Max."

"Hermione." He smiled at me again and then stood.

"Well, that is a lovely name, but I'm afraid I have to go. If you get bored, or just feel like finding me, don't hesitate." He said staring at me with such intensity in his eyes that I found it hard to breathe. He held out his hand and I saw a peice of paper was resting in his palm. I grabbed it and saw his name written with a number beneath it. "Until we meet again, Hermione." He winked once before turning and walking away. It took me several minutes to recover from my shock that someone that beautiful could be interested in me.

A familiar laugh broke my thoughts and I turned to see my cousin Kaitlin watching me with a beautiful smile on her face. Her eyes twinkled and I rushed to give her a hug. She embraced me warmly and I pulled back looking her over fully. She looked so different! Her long blonde hair had been dyed black, a vibrant black with a tint of blue.

"I see you're already having an interesting time." Kaitlin grinned. I just blushed. Katie grabbed my hand, and one of my bags, and pulled me through the airport to her car. We spent the entire drive to her house talking about her new life here, and mine back home. I was beginning to learn just what kind of changes had been made within my cousin. And these changes both frightened me and deeply intrigued me.


	2. Settling In, Falling Out

Disclaimer: I own nothing. _I also wanted to point out that Draco is going to be in this plot later on. Right now we're seeing what exactly tempts Hermione into choosing the Dark Side, but it will probably be a few more chapters before that rebellious streak mentioned in the summary is fully revealed. And unlike other stories, I don't think she should just immediately jump into that phase. I think there really needs to be a period of subtle change. _

**

* * *

CHAPTER TWO**

"Have you seen Katie?" I stopped walking through the hall when I spotted a girl Katie had introduced as Amanda. The girl looked at me for a moment before shaking her head. I smiled politely at her and then kept on my way. I had lost Katie in the crowded house twenty minutes ago and couldn't find her anywhere.

Katie had told me about the parties she liked to go to, how they were fun and filled with interesting people. I'd seemed interested and so she told me that I would have to go with her, and well now here we were and I wasn't having fun. Half the people I'd tried talking to looked at me as though I was plague. I just didn't see the allure now that I'd been introduced to it. And it wasn't like I was dressed badly, Katie had made sure of that, and my hair had been fixed and smoothed so it fell in nice curls instead of bushing.

I thought I saw Katie across the room laughing with someone and so headed in that direction. It turned out the girl in question was not my cousin. I just stood there for a moment unsure of what to do when I felt a hand touch the small of my back. I jumped, startled at the sudden contact. I turned around to tell whoever it was to please not touch me and found that I couldn't speak.

Those beautiful blue eyes I remembered from the airport were staring at me. Max had a small smile on his face. Titling his head to the side he looked me up and down. "You look out of place, if you don't mind my saying." I merely laughed.

"I'm trying to find my cousin." I said with a shrug. "These are her friends; I don't think they like me." I looked around with a somewhat pained expression. Max laughed and lightly linked his arm in mine.

"Yes, well, they don't tend to like anyone. No one here, except for a select few, knows your name, and you're not drinking which to them is considered highly odd. Who is your cousin?" Max steered me through the crowd. I noticed that now people were looking at me differently. The males had sudden interest in their eyes and the girls a glinting jealousy. Obviously Max was well known, well liked and well wanted in this crowd.

"Katie Leglin." Max stopped walking and turned to me, surprise written on his face.

"You're Katie's cousin?" I didn't respond right away and he just shook his head.

"That girl is twelve kinds of trouble. You be careful…if you're looking for her, try any of the three bathrooms in this place." His tone had turned slightly unfriendly. He looked at me once more before giving me a very small and forced looking smile. Then he was walking away.

I didn't understand what had just happened at all. One moment this guy is extremely nice, then he hears who my cousin is and it's like he doesn't even want to be near me. Katie hadn't mentioned she knew the guy from the airport after witnessing the exchange. And what exactly did he mean about her being 'twelve kinds of trouble?' This all wasn't making sense to me.

Taking his advice I asked the nearest person where the bathrooms were. They told me and I headed towards them. The door to the first was closed. I knocked on it with a closed fist. A muffled voice said, "be out in a minute!" I leaned close to the wood, listening. People inside the bathroom were arguing.

"Katie?" I called, knocking again. This time the door swung open and an extremely irritated girl stood there. Her heavily lined eyes looked tired and slightly crazed. I was beginning to wish I'd never agreed to come to this party.

"Katie isn't in here, doll. We're busy." And the door slammed shut in my face. I sighed and set off to find another bathroom. Max had mentioned three.

The second bathroom also had occupants, but these were much nicer, though I saw them hastily shove a few brightly colored candies, or were those pills, into their mouths upon opening the door. I didn't know exactly what they were, but Katie had informed me that many of her friends dabbled in drugs. I was glad that Katie didn't. I chose to just ignore their blatant drug use and moved on.

The third bathroom door was closed but not locked. I opened it and found Katie bent over the counter. I watched her in the mirror as she sniffed a line of white powder off it through a straw. The implication of this act was not lost on me. I wasn't an expert on drugs, and I didn't know what the hell she'd just put up her nose, but I wasn't a fool.

She glanced up and saw my reflection in the mirror. Hastily she straightened and turned to face me. Her hand rose to her nose and wiped at it, sniffing hard, hoping to get any power that may have fallen. There was none; she didn't need to worry.

My arms were crossed in front of me, and the look on my face was that of pure stone. I just looked at her. She looked like she was searching for words to say but didn't know how to say them. I just watched her. I guess it wasn't against Katie's ethics to like to her cousin about certain things she did. And this gave me a hint as to what Max had meant.

"What are you doing?" I demanded. Katie said nothing. I looked from her to the straw lying on the counter. "What the hell was that?" I stared at her, my eyes openly daring her to try lying.

"It was just once." Katie insisted, but I didn't believe her.

"I want to go now." I said shortly. Katie looked at me with pain in her eyes, then she turned picked up the straw and walked out of the bathroom. When she passed me, I could see her features harden. I just followed her silently.

* * *

On the way home we didn't talk about anything. I didn't mention my witness of her drug use and she didn't ask how I thought the party had been. I felt just like I had back home. I felt isolated and in a world I didn't want to be. I felt like I was in a place I didn't understand.

Once we got to Katie's house, she waited until I opened the door and walked up to the front door before driving off. I stood there for probably five minutes willing myself not to cry before I finally turned the knob and walked inside. Neither of her parents was home, and I let the tears that had been threatening to escape fall down my cheeks. I locked myself in the room I was staying and didn't emerge for days.

When I finally did emerge from my room, I found Katie sitting on the couch watching TV. She watched me walk past her into the kitchen. I didn't say anything to her. As far as I was concerned I had nothing to say to her. I didn't approve of what she had done, and I wanted her to know that. But it was killing me to stay silent. I was homesick and lonely.

I could hear her stand up and walk after me. I was bracing myself for the conversation I knew would come. I didn't know anything about drugs or Katie's party life, and I didn't want to know. I didn't want to ruin the image that I had of Katie from my past. I didn't want to think of her as something bad when all my life she had been something good.

She'd told me, that first day, about how she drank occasionally. She'd told me about the piercing she had gotten, on her nose, that she'd taken out because her parents had hated it. She'd told me about the tattoo on her right hipbone of skull and crossbones. She'd even told me about all the drugs her friends did and how she'd been tempted to try them but wouldn't.

"Annie," Katie said, walking into the room, pulling a chair back from the table and sitting down. "We need to talk about some things." I blanched at her use of the childhood name she had always called me. I didn't want to talk. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to look at her.

I remained silent for a moment, then continued with what I was doing: preparing myself lunch. Staying locked in your room for several days on end can leave you famished. Katie just watched me. "Fine, if you won't talk, then I will." She said, more than a little coldly. I turned to her slowly.

"Then talk." I continued to prepare my food.

"I'm sorry I lied to you about certain things, and I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how!" Katie's voice sounded slightly desperate now. It disgusted me in a way; I never thought I'd feel this way about my own cousin. "Please, just listen to me and believe me when I say it won't happen again!"

I turned to Katie, my eyes narrowed. "It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I thought you were better than that." And with that I left the room, my perfectly made sandwich lying uneaten on the counter. I wasn't hungry any more.

* * *

I slammed the door to my room and quickly locked it behind me. I didn't want her to follow me into what had become my safe haven. Inside this room I could hide from my problems. I could forget my mother was still on the verge of losing her job and that my father would probably be soon forcing us into debt. I could forget that the cousin I once had thought was so much like me; so good and pure? She was now taking drugs up her nose through a straw.

In the mirror on the wall in front of me showed me just how distressed I looked. I didn't know what to do. I needed something to keep my mind off of everything. I thought about writing to Harry, Ron or Ginny but felt that I would just be burdening them with my frustrated venting. Instead I chose to rummage through my bag until finally I just dumped the entire contents onto the bed.

Through the pens, makeup and various other collected items I spotted a white piece of paper with the name Max on it. With a trembling hand I reached out and grabbed it. I stared at it for quite a while before taking in a shaky breath and deciding to make that call.

* * *

"Sorry for calling like this…when we met again at that party you didn't seem too interested in talking to me after finding out who my cousin was." I apologized. Max just shrugged and continued to walk beside me. It was a little chilly outside, with clouds spotting the sky. The sun was shining weakly and seemed to mirror my own lack of strength, lack of will to breathe.

"You sounded upset. You sounded really upset. And it wasn't you I didn't want to talk to or be around…I was just surprised." He looked at me briefly before continuing. "I shouldn't have said what I did about her…telling you where to find her, I mean." He said quietly. I stopped walking and looked at him.

"I'm glad you did, otherwise she would have continued to lie!" I exclaimed. He followed suit and stopped walking. He looked at me and I found that I was losing myself in his eyes. I had to look away. I didn't understand how someone I hardly knew could make me feel this way.

"It wasn't my place to do that. She should have told you, yes, but she would have told you when she was ready. That's just how she works." I frowned in response. Was I missing something? How would he know how she works? My impression was that the two knew of each other, but didn't really know each other. Max seemed to sense my sudden confusion.

"My sister. She knows your cousin very well and because of that I know more about your cousin at this point then you probably do and she and I have only exchanged words a handful of times." I nodded in understanding, but it seemed like he was avoiding looking at me, I pushed the thought away and started to walk again. We were in a deserted park and he followed me to an empty bench. I sat, waiting for him to sit beside me. He didn't.

"Thank you for coming to meet me." I said again. He simply shrugged.

"Like I said, you sounded upset. I figured if you're going to call a complete stranger when you're that upset, something is definitely wrong. I just didn't feel right about not coming." He sat down beside me. I had the urge to hug him but refrained. Why did he make me want to do things like that?

"Well it was very nice of you." I realized I was blushing and staring at my feet. I shook my head and looked around me. The park was beautiful. I didn't have much time to think about my surroundings though, because his voice caught my attention.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" I turned to look at him and he was watching me nervously. I was surprised. Why would this beautiful boy be nervous around me? I was nothing to be nervous about at all.

"I'm just going to be sitting at Katie's pretending she doesn't exist." I offered with a small smile. He grinned at me. I couldn't help but let my smile widen to mimic his.

"Well, then would you like to escape from that fate and go with me to a party? There will be some kids using drugs, there will be drinking, but I promise I will show you a good time." His smile looked so wonderful, and he seemed so great that I couldn't say no. And so, that night I would be attending my second party. I had no idea what to expect, or what to wear. All I knew was I was determined to have a good time, and stay as far away from any drugs that might be around me.

* * *

There was a knock on my door much later that night. I jumped, completely startled. I had finished getting ready to go out quite a while ago, and had sat down to read a book. I wasn't expecting for anyone to be disrupting me. I set the book down slowly and took my time answering.

I opened the door to find a very confused looking Katie at the door. "Max Harding is here?" she posed the statement like a question, one eyebrow raised. I looked at her, looked right through her.

"Thanks." I said dully. With one hand I flicked the light switch on the wall, pushed by her and pulled the door closed behind me with the other hand. I walked down the hall without another word to her. I heard her hurry to catch up.

"Max Harding, the boy from the airport. You're going out tonight with him?" She asked, her voice seemed a little frigid. I stopped suddenly. She ran into me from behind. I turned very quickly and she stepped back, her face showing fear for only a few seconds.

"Yes. And why does that matter?" I demanded. She looked at me with her pretty blue eyes and I had to look away. I couldn't control the feeling of disappointment I had whenever I looked at her.

"I don't want you to." She said flat and simply. I laughed. Then I walked away.

* * *

This party was less crowded than the initial one I'd been to. The people here were friendlier, but perhaps that was because I came in with Max. People I had seen at the other party who had looked me up and down and dismissed me now wanted to talk to me. It was an interesting feeling. At school no one wanted to talk to me this much, but I wasn't at school. At school I was never with such a beautiful person who was so well liked either. I was very glad I wasn't at school.

Max introduced me to everyone and there was one girl in particular who stood out in my mind. She was beyond beautiful and extremely friendly. Her name was Sam and she immediately suggested we hang out again. She shared my interest in reading and learning and carried on a conversation better than most of the others around us.

I didn't learn until later that she was Max's younger sister. I assumed that this was the sister who was friends with Katie, but found that the name Katie Leglin was not greeted warmly when mentioned. Sam scowled momentarily and then apologized for the rude gesture.

"Your sister and I were very close at one point…but that changed when she decided she liked Max." Sam said softly, her eyes flitting to her brother for a moment. She smiled at me and shook her head. "No offense, but your cousin is a vindictive little bitch who loves to eat boys hearts." The smile fell from her face. I didn't like where this conversation was going.

I remember how Max had avoided my eyes in the park when talking about Katie, and now it made sense. They had dated, or come close to it, and she'd ripped his heart out. It seemed odd that Katie hadn't mentioned it at the airport, that they knew one another. It did however explain Katie's wish for me to not go with Max tonight.

"I'm beginning to think there's a lot to my cousin that I don't know…" I said and Sam put a comforting hand on my shoulder. She smiled warmly at me.

"Don't worry about it sweetheart, your cousin's a good kid deep inside…she's just going down a bad path right now. You really should try to help her stay clear of it though…you know, nudge her in the right way. You seem like you'd be good at that." I thought about that for a second and realized that she was right. By pushing Katie away I was probably only pushing her into wanting to use drugs more. I made a vow that I would not ignore her anymore, and that I'd try to talk to her.

"Do you want a beer?" someone to my right offered. I looked at the extended cup, shaking my head automatically. They shrugged before taking a large swig for themselves. I looked around me and realized Sam and I were the only ones who were not drinking. For some reason that made me like her even more.

I saw Max standing across the room talking to a girl I'd been introduced to and told was Emily. Though his attention was on the girl, I noticed his eyes kept straying to me, and every time they did he smiled at. I smiled back and tried not to let the blush I felt creeping up my face stain my cheeks. Sam noticed too and smirked. When Max began his way towards us, Sam picked up a cup from nearby, mumbling something about getting a drink before walking away.

"Are you having fun?" He asked, setting down his own cup on the table next to the couch I was sitting on. I looked up at him, hoping he'd sit.

"Your sister is really nice, I'm glad I came tonight." I told him. I was pleased when he sat down. I didn't really know what else to say. I was surprised at how relaxed I was even with all the drinking that was occurring around me. I hadn't seen anyone doing drugs or noticed anyone acting like they were on them, and that made me feel better about being here. I don't know why, but I trusted Max to not put me in a situation I would be uncomfortable in.

"Are you sure you're glad you came?" He asked. The look on his face seemed slightly nervous, like he was afraid I was just being polite. When I smiled at him and nodded, yes, he was positively beaming. I wanted to kiss him right then and there for being so damn beautiful but I didn't. I didn't have that kind of confidence. What if I wasn't very good?

"Hey, it's getting late. You ready to go Max?" I heard Sam call out from behind us. They started talking to one another and I drifted into my thoughts. I was staring blankly at the wall when I heard a whisper in my ear.

"_Hello, Hermione."_ The voice was soft, cold and frightening. I felt a rush of heat flow through my body, starting at the center of my chest and extending outward until it reached every point on my body. I shivered despite the warmth.

"Did you hear that?" I asked, turning to Max with a frown. Max shook his head absently before turning back to his conversation with Sam. I shivered again and touched one hand to my chest. My fingertips brushed the necklace that lay against my skin beneath my shirt, but my mind didn't even notice I was wearing it. And the memory of that voice floated easily from my mind.


	3. With Understanding, Comes an Allure

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

CHAPTER THREE 

I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes my stomach felt sick. I could hear whispers inside my mind but the words were tangled and so low I couldn't make out any syllables or meanings. I chose to remain awake instead of trying to sleep, but I couldn't sleep even when I tried. My efforts were getting me nowhere fast and I wasn't in the mood for nightmares. My body was begging me for sleep but my mind refused to take the risk of it just yet.

I'd arrived home too late to speak to, or even see, Katie. The lights had been out, the house completely silent and every door closed, including my own. Behind each one I knew lay people I loved who were dreaming peacefully, or hopefully so. I paused for just a few seconds outside Katie's door, debating waking her and apologizing for having been so rude.

Rational thought caused me to keep on my way. I entered my room quietly, careful not to drop things loudly, or close my door with a bang. I didn't want to wake anyone. I just remained as silent as possible through my evening routine of readying for bed. When I was finally finished I noticed that during the mundane tasks my mind had slipped to Max. I just couldn't get his face, his eyes out of my head.

It was thoughts of him that helped push the whispers and the sick feeling in my stomach away. It was the memory of his smile, and the way his hands seemed to accidentally brush mine when reaching for something. I could almost feel his touch. I smiled and finally let my eyes close. Instead of sickness and fear, a wave of warmth and excitement passed over me. My dreams held only laughter.

* * *

"Hermione, dear, you've got to wake up" Someone was shaking me slightly. I groaned and batted them away with one hand before rolling over and shoving my face into my pillow. I couldn't breathe and decided perhaps it was time to wake up. I lifted my head and saw my aunt watching me with a slight smile on her face. "Come on dear, we've got to go see James." This time when I groaned and shoved my face into the pillow she laughed.

James was Katie's older brother. He and I had never got along and only fought whenever we saw each other. Any engagement involving the two of us was bound to turn out a disaster. I heard my aunt leave the room and once the door clicked closed, I sat up abruptly. "Damn it!" I muttered. I wasn't looking forward to this.

It didn't take me long to get ready at all. I emerged from my room to find Katie sitting quietly near her father. Both her parents exchanged glances when Katie threw me a sullen look and I looked away, unsure of how to react. I assumed her parents didn't know about her drug use and were wondering about the coldness between us. I didn't know what to do. I had decided to stop pushing Katie away, but my distress over her lies and substance abuse caused me to hesitate.

"Come on girls, it's time to go." My uncle said suddenly, rising to his feet. Katie glanced at me and when I refused to look at her she huffed, crossing her arms and storming out of the room. My uncle gave me a look that questioned what had just happened. "What is it with you two?"

"We just had a misunderstanding…I'm going to talk to her about it tonight." I said softly. My aunt and uncle just looked at me for a second, as though trying to figure out what exactly the misunderstanding has been. My uncle just shook his head and left. My aunt however lingered behind.

"When we moved here, Katie changed. She stopped telling me things that were going on in her life. She started staying out late. She stopped coming home for days on end. She's changed a lot. Sometimes when I look at her, I don't even know who she is…it wasn't a misunderstanding, was it?" Her eyes were searching my face and I didn't know what to say. I had no idea that the changes in Katie had been that severe that her mother would say she didn't even know her at some points. I didn't know if I could pretend it was something small.

"I…she…it was nothing." I finally managed to say. I was lying. It was everything. I saw a look of disappointment shadow my aunt's eyes. She shook her head sadly. She knew that I was trying to hide the real issue.

"You don't have to protect her." She said turning to go. She hesitated and looked at me. "Don't end up like her, it's not the kind of like you want to live, dear." And she too walked from the room, leaving me alone.

Why had no one told me what Katie had become? Why had no one warned me before I came here? I was only becoming more and more homesick. I just felt more alone with each moment that passed in this place. The only time I even felt remotely ok was when I was with Max. But even then, I hardly knew him. What if he was hiding some dark secret from me too?

I realized I was afraid.

* * *

Katie and I sat side by side in the backseat of her parents' car. We didn't say a word to each other the entire ride. Where her thoughts were I didn't know. I didn't even care. All I could think about was the fact that I was numbingly afraid of what my cousin was doing with her life. I hadn't noticed just how much we'd grown apart at first. Now I saw it clearly.

She was not the same girl who used to see me every day and share my passions. She was not the same girl that I had loved so tenderly and dearly. She was not the girl who I once held in my heart as a sister. She was a stranger who just seemed to mimic the girl I knew. She was just a ghost of that girl. A shadow of the person I used to know.

Even if I could find the words to speak, I'm not sure I would have wanted to. I knew that I wanted to help Katie. I was just afraid to find out just how much she had changed inside. Her mother's words had made me think there was much more to this change to Katie than met the eye. Did I really want to explore that?

I hadn't even really noticed that the car had stopped. My aunt and uncle had both exited the car, and Katie had as well, only she was lingering by the door, watching me quietly. "Hermione?" Her voice broke my thoughts with a shattering effect. I winced and looked at her with cautious eyes.

I closed the door behind me once I exited and noticed she was still looking at me. Her face was blank, and I couldn't read her eyes. I wanted to say something, I wanted to say anything, the silence fallen between us was killing me. But I didn't know if what she had to say in return would hurt me more or make me feel ok.

"We need to talk." She said. Her voice sounded rehearsed like she'd sat before a mirror saying that same phrase over and over until she could say it with the tone she wanted. I looked into her eyes. I just looked into them and didn't say a word.

"What is there to talk about?" I whispered finally. She frowned slightly.

"I want you to understand." And with that she walked away. I was left in confusion. I didn't understand. I didn't understand anything. Did she want me to understand why she had changed? Maybe if I knew it would be easier to be less afraid of all of this. Maybe it would be good for me to listen, just to listen to her and try to understand.

So I followed her inside promising myself that no matter how scared I was at what I might hear, I needed to just listen. I wanted to understand.

"Well if it isn't little Miss Mischief." James said, smiling at Katie when we walked in the door. Katie embraced him in a hug before sitting down on the couch. James' house was very nice. The furniture looked expensive and the walls were decorated in beautiful pictures. I couldn't even begin to fully describe the ornate moldings that surrounding me, or the brilliant staircase leading upstairs. You would have to see it to understand the beauty.

James looked at me without hatred in his eyes, something I was surprised to note. There was an odd curiosity within them though. I couldn't figure out for the life of me why he wasn't glaring at me or saying rude things yet. That was how it has always been. I longed for the familiarity of it. I wanted him to call me something nasty.

"Well, we really do need to go, but Katie and Annie are going to stay here." I heard my uncle say. What was this? I was staying here with Katie and James? I prayed that this wasn't really happening. If I was stuck here with the both of them, I would have to listen to what Katie had to say, and I just wasn't ready for that yet. I wanted to wait until night fell, until we were back at Katie's house. I wanted to just wait.

They left within five minutes and I stared at them imploringly, my gaze utterly begging. But neither seemed to notice and I let out a disgruntled sigh when the door closed leaving me on a couch, alone, facing a grinning James and a blank faced Katie.

"Katie, why the long face?" James said with a slight laugh. Katie's expression didn't change but her eyes did flicker to my face before again settling on the spot she'd been staring at on the wall. "And Hermione, why the distressed pain in your eyes?" This time, there was no laugh; there was no smile as he looked from his sister to me.

"It's nothing Jamie, don't worry yourself about it. She doesn't understand a few things." Katie said. James nodded. He looked at Katie long and hard before standing up. There was a look on his face that I couldn't name. I don't know if I've ever seen him look at her that way. It almost held disgust.

"Neither do I Katie."

Her face snapped towards him, her eyes widening slightly. She opened her mouth as if to speak but he just shook his head. He held up a hand, his way of telling her not to bother talking. I just watched them, wondering why I was stuck in this place. Why hadn't I just spent my vacation at home?

James looked towards me, smiled slightly, which shocked me, and then left us alone. People seemed to like doing that. I felt sick.

"Do you want to understand or not?" Katie demanded, her eyes shadowed, her voice low. I looked at her, swallowed and nodded. I really did want to understand. "We left and came here because Jamie got in trouble. He owed someone money and needed to start over once he'd paid it off. We chose to come with him so he wouldn't be that far away."

I knew that much but decided not to interrupt and just let her tell this however she needed to tell it. I wondered how long this would take. I started wondering if by the time she had finished I would really understand. I was afraid that I wouldn't.

"When we first came here, I didn't know anyone. I was an outsider. The kids couldn't understand me half the time and they thought I dressed funny. I didn't have one to talk to. You weren't here with me." Katie's eyes were fixed on my face. I found that I couldn't look at her. "I just wanted someone to listen to me, to talk to me. And one day a boy came and sat with me at lunch. He started talking to me and invited me to come spend some time at his friend's house."

Katie's voice had gotten very low. I looked at her to see that her head was lowered, her hands nervously picking at the hem of her sleeve. "Everyone there was drinking. I hadn't ever touched the stuff before then…he said it'd be fine if I just had a cup. He said no one got drunk off just a cup." Her voice was wavering slightly when she lifted her head to look at me. There were tears in her eyes.

"What happened?" I asked, very, very softly. I don't even think she heard me, but she saw my lips form the words. I already had an idea forming and I hoped to God that I was wrong.

"I don't know what the hell was in that cup, but everything gets kind of hazy after that. I don't really remember much except laughing, I remember hands touching me and then I remember waking up in a room with three guys. My clothes were off and I couldn't move because I was tied up." Katie stopped. Her eyes turned cold. "Do you really want me to finish that portion of the story?"

I emphatically shook my head no. I understood the gist. I didn't want to hear the details.

"After that, as you can imagine, I became even more withdrawn. People were saying I was a slut. That's how my image came across because they bragged about the sex. They just failed to mention that I wasn't willing." Her voice was angry. Her voice sounded cold and vicious, like the blade of a knife.

She continued, "apparently someone knew the true story, and that got out too. I was too ashamed to actually ever say anything. I felt like I had done something wrong. You know, maybe that was punishment? Well, one of the guys in one of my classes got pretty pissed about it all. He ended up sending one of the guys to the hospital. After that, he and his friends started talking to me, getting to know me."

She stopped, looked at me and shook her head. "If I hadn't met them none of this would have happened." She rubbed her forehead and sighed. "One of the girls he knew told me the same thing had happened to her a few years back. She promised that she knew about something that could just make it all feel so much better."

Her eyes were begging me to understand when she turned them on me. I could hardly look at them. They seemed so sad, so vulnerable that I wanted to cry. I didn't even notice when I actually did begin to cry. She didn't say anything for a moment, but then reached out grabbed my hand before speaking again.

"It was just drinking at first. When I drank the pain went away. I felt elated, I was happier, stupider and I didn't think about the hurt. One night when I was drunk someone offered me a pill…I wasn't thinking and I took it. It made me feel so amazing that I couldn't say no the next time I took one."

She stopped again, took a deep breath and said, "It makes you forget every hurt you've ever felt, Annie. It makes you feel alive." Her eyes were bright and a smile was on her face. It was such a change from how she'd looked when talking about what those boys had done to her. It made me wonder if something that could make her that happy could be so bad.

She continued to explain about how it helped her forget her pain, how it helped her smile, laugh; forget the troubles of her mind. She explained how it made her mind go blank, how it made her slip into a whole new world. My mind started straying to my own world. My mind started wondering if maybe that didn't sound like such a bad thing. But I shook my head.

"Why though? You could have talked to someone! You know this isn't the right way to deal with things!" I said quickly, trying to convince myself of the same thing as my mind mulled over the possibilities.

"If I talked to someone I would have had to deal with it…why deal with it when you can get rid of it?" Katie asked me. She sounded almost hungry. I didn't know what to say. The question caught me off guard. How many times had I wished that I could just forget my pain and problems instead of deal with them? "It's so much easier, it feels so much better to just…forget."

I didn't want to listen to this anymore. She was wrong. It wasn't better to just forget. But then what was I doing? Hadn't I said I wanted a new life here, no matter how temporary? That I wanted to try the things she did? Didn't I say it didn't matter what I did here because no one back home would know?

But the things she did, they weren't right. I knew that, she had to know that. I didn't think I could just blatantly do them without having my conscience feel guilty. Or could I?

NO. I didn't want to. I didn't want to be like Katie. I felt that initial disgust and disappointment well up inside, this time directed towards myself. What was I thinking?

"No…it's not better to just forget." I whispered. Katie rolled her eyes at me. She leaned forward, dropping my hand and touching my cheek with it.

"You don't even understand what it means to forget. You think that wondering if your dad's forced your mom into debt yet is good for you? You think that wondering if your mom is still even getting a paycheck is good for you? You think that anything that makes you sad is good for you? You think struggling to put it from your mind is forgetting? I'm talking about real blankness, real captivation of your thoughts that just leaves all that shit behind you." Katie sat back in her chair. She sighed and shook her head again.

"I think you're wrong." I said adamantly, not wanting to admit how alluring her little speech was making her new way of life seem. She just looked at me. She really looked at me. I wondered if she could hear my thoughts. The way she was staring me down made it seem like it. She turned her head slightly and smiled.

"Am I?" she asked me softly. She was getting this weird little glint in her eye that I really didn't like. She had this little smile on her face that made me kind of nervous. "You don't really believe I'm wrong, do you?" she demanded.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms, finally spitting out, "You know it's wrong too." Which sounded so lame, even to my own ears. She just smirked. I hadn't said that I believed her. Did she know I was trying to avoid a concrete "yes or no" answer?

"I think you're lying."

"I'm not." I said wishing she would stop looking at me like that, like she knew me inside and out. But then again, she did, didn't she? She knew everything about how I worked. She knew how to tell when I was lying. She always had been able to, ever since we were little. And now I got even more nervous. I didn't want her to be able to tell what I was thinking, or how I would react. Afterall, I wasn't the one who had changed. I was still the same person I had always been. It was her was different. I couldn't even tell what she was thinking.

From somewhere in the other room we heard a door open and close. I looked at her and she just smirked back at me. I knew that smirk. I knew that smirk well, but where had I seen it before? And then it hit me. With that little smirk, Katie was looking at me almost exactly how Draco Malfoy would if he would have been sitting there instead of her. The thought made me feel a little sick. My own cousin reminding me of a boy who lived just to see my friends and I humiliated.


	4. Giving In, Giving Up Yourself

Disclaimer: Honestly now, I still own nothing.

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Sleepless nights were beginning to become a routine around this place. I tossed and turned for hours before deciding to just give up and give in. I turned on my light, fumbling for a pen and paper. I would just send this the muggle way. I knew Harry's address and I needed to vent. He might not understand all of it, but I knew he would understand the isolation, the pain at a life he didn't want to be stuck in. He might be able to help me feel less alone.

Not once did I mention the drug use. Not once did I mention Max. I don't know why I left these out. Maybe it was my hesitation to admit that I was both being extremely tempted into trying the stuff or that I was possibly falling for a complete stranger. I just talked. I told him how Katie and I had drifted apart, how I didn't find any comfort in her. I just talked and talked. And then when I stopped writing. I reread it and realized how whiny and pathetic I sounded.

Without a second thought I crumpled the paper into a ball, throwing it into the trashcan. I knew Harry would care, but didn't he have enough on his plate already? He was distraught over the death of Sirius Black still. He was being forced to live with the Dursley's, the family that loathed him. He would care, and he would take the time to try and comfort me, but wasn't it him who needed comfort most? After all, hadn't he suffered more than I could have ever hoped to during his lifetime?

No, I wouldn't send him a letter. I wouldn't talk to anyone from my life back at Hogwart's. Not yet. I just needed time to forget that world, that life. I needed to just erase it from my mind momentarily. But would it really do any good at all? I was lost in thought when I heard a knock on my door. I was surprised. The clock on my wall told me it was three in the morning.

I didn't say anything, knowing it was most likely Katie come to talk to me. I was still afraid of what she'd told me and about how I felt towards it. I was still disgusted, don't get me wrong, but with that disgust came both a longing for release from my thoughts and for a way to just be different.

The door opened and sure enough Katie walked in. She smiled at me shyly, like she wasn't sure if I still hated her, and I did. I hated her. But I loved her. I hated that she could be so weak as to drink and do drugs just because her life got rough. But I loved that she could do it and feel free, that she could feel ok. And I envied that she was able to feel ok while I was still stuck feeling sorry for myself about my life. I envied how she could be someone I wasn't.

"Hey," Katie said softly sitting on the end of my bed. I didn't really know what to say. I had a lot of things going through my mind right now. And I kind of just wanted to be alone. Katie had really placed some thoughts in my head that I didn't want to think about but that I needed to. She had really made me think about if I was willing to take that jump and try to forget my problems the way she did. My rational mind was screaming at me no. The irrational part of my mind begged me to give in.

"Can't sleep either?" I asked dully. I just wanted her to leave. I just wanted her to stay. I was a mix of contradicting thoughts and wants. I really just wanted to sleep.

"No, I've got too much on my mind. I wanted to say sorry about earlier though. I shouldn't have been so pushy about all that." She said with a slight chuckle. I looked at her with tired eyes and yawned. I didn't say anything back. I didn't know what to say. Thank you for having made me contemplate, really contemplate, doing drugs? Thank you for making me disappointed in you, yet again? I knew it was better just to keep my mouth shut this time.

When I didn't say anything, Katie started fidgeting. She took that hint that I wasn't interested in talking again tonight and got up to leave. She threw a backwards glance over her shoulder at me. Her eyes were pained but when they connected with mine they grew cold. I had to look away. She seemed to change from moment to moment, one second being warm and kind, and the next cold and hard. How could I love someone so much when I didn't even know the real them anymore?

Frustrated I flipped off the light as soon as the door closed, falling onto my pillow roughly. I sighed and tried to hide beneath my blanket. Maybe if I just didn't go outside of this room I would be safe. I wouldn't have to face the temptation eating away inside me. I wouldn't have to face the nagging voice inside my head that kept telling me that I was going to make a wrong decision. I wished that everything would just stop. But I knew it wouldn't.

* * *

"_You've got to listen to me, it isn't safe for her here!" the voice was absolutely frantic, high pitched and desperate. There was the sound of something breaking, there was a shout and then somewhere a baby started crying. "Please, you've got to find a way to hide her…" that voice was so familiar, I could almost call her name out, but it hung at the tip of my tongue, eluding me. _

"_Give her to me." This voice was cold, mean, and ruthless, it sent a shiver down my spine. But was I even really here? Was this a dream or a memory? Perhaps both. I looked around wildly but found my eyes weren't working, as they should. Everything was blurry and very far away. But the voices, oh the voices were so clear that I could hear the breathing in between the words._

I don't know what woke me, but I woke up feeling slightly ill, no, more than just slightly. I knew I had been dreaming about something unpleasant, had I been hearing voices? I shook my head and tried to remember as I took in deep breaths to help the nausea leave. The dream was fading fast and before I knew it I couldn't remember one thing about it, except that it left me on the verge of emptying my stomach.

There was a knock on my door and like always I jumped at the suddenness of the sound. I hurriedly sat up, scrambling to the door. Outside my aunt was holding a phone out to me and she smiled. I frowned momentarily before she whispered, "Max something or other?" And a smile flew across my face. I snatched the phone a little more hungrily than I meant to, and my aunt laughed.

"Hey." I said, still smiling, not noticing when the door closed.

"How are you today?" Max asked. His voice sent a thrill through me. I wanted to see him. I wanted to be near him. I wanted to see his smile. I felt my heart beating just a little faster. God, what was wrong with me?

"I'm good." I realized that this conversation could probably go on forever with just little phrases thrown back and forth and so I mustered up all the courage I had and asked, "do you want to go do something tonight? Maybe find a party?" I was surprised that I had been the one to suggest a party. But then again, I was sort of dying to possibly test out this new temptation, wasn't I? I was an idiot.

"Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to come to one with me." And we talked about when and where we would meet up to go to this party. I didn't mention how tonight I planned to drink a little. I didn't tell him that tonight; I planned on shedding a little bit of this goody two shoe's skin that I wore everyday. I didn't even plan on telling Katie. This would be my secret for now. And I wanted Max to be the one I shared it with, but not yet, not just yet. I was terribly anxious, terribly afraid and terribly aware that I was making the wrong decision.

To say I was nervous while getting ready didn't even begin to cover it. I was shaking while I applied makeup, though I did it sparingly. I wasn't an expert at doing it and didn't want to accidentally make myself look like a cheap whore. I had to stop and calm myself, calm my breathing before making my hair look nice. Curls, I had decided, were not an option. Curls reminded me too much of the girl who had first seen Katie snort that line of whatever in the bathroom. Curls reminded me too much of innocence.

I straightened my hair without any help, just with a straightening iron, and then chose an outfit. Was I really ready to do this? Was I really ready to drink a little tonight? I was nervous, I felt tense, and I felt wrong. But at the same time I wanted to just rebel against that feeling of wrongness and say to hell with it. What if I just wanted to be bad sometimes? Was there really such harm in that if it wasn't all the time? Was it really all that bad?

Yes. I knew that answer to that question. But as I looked in the mirror I found that for once, I didn't really care. I was lost in thoughts that swirled around me like a cloud. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the pain that was just inching around inside me when I thought of home. I wanted to find a place that held only happiness. Katie had made it seem like all I needed was a shot or two and I would find that place. I just wanted to see if she was right. What harm could that do?

It did occur to me that Max might not be the upstanding guy I thought he was, and that maybe I should have Katie with me for my first try at getting drunk, but I guess this was my form of payback. She hadn't told me about all her little adventures and things she'd been doing. It had hurt me that she hadn't confided in me. I guess this was my way of hurting her in return. I guess I hoped she would see what she had done to me and would feel the same. Revenge is a bitch, but sometimes it looks like the best idea. You really don't have to tell me how ridiculous that sounds, I already know.

For a split second I thought about what Harry would think if he knew, I thought about what Ron would say, and the look on Ginny's face. But then I shoved them out of my mind as if they didn't exist. I didn't want to think about them now; they would only make me rethink my decision. I wanted to do this. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to do this. It went against everything I stood for and that excited me more than anything ever had.

* * *

That night I sat beside Max nervously holding a cup in my hand. It was filled not with beer, but with vodka. Max had asked me if I was sure I wanted to drink some. He told me not to chug it, but to sip it, that the cup only equaled out to about two and a half shots. But that was plenty for someone who had never drank before. He asked me again, if I was sure. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm completely sure." I lied. I was screaming inside. My rational mind was begging for me to set down that cup, to get up and call Katie so she could take me home. I however, ignored the little screaming girl inside and began to sip on the cup. It tasted horrible and I thought for a second I would throw up.

"Happens to everyone, chase it with this." Max said, handing me a separate cup holding a brown liquid. It looked like soda. "Pepsi." He said with a smile. I nodded and took another sip of the foul tasting vodka, immediately downing nearly half the cup of Pepsi to extinguish the taste. Max laughed at the look of disgust on my face.

It didn't take long for me to finish the vodka; I was determined to prove that I could actually be "bad" for once. I don't know whom I was trying to prove it to. Max didn't know me; he didn't seem to really care one way or another. Katie didn't even know. I didn't need to prove anything to myself, did I? Or maybe that was it. I needed to prove to myself that I could just let go like Katie. Maybe I was trying to reconnect with her. If I acted like her, maybe I'd understand her?

Before I knew it the room was looking a little different. Sometimes things went fuzzy and pretty soon I was asking Max for another shot. He looked at me carefully before obliging. I thanked him profusely without realizing that I was practically sitting on his lap. I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him, again. And after downing the shot, I thought long and hard about doing it.

What had seemed an impossible thing for me to do sober now seemed like the only thing to do. Why not? He seemed interested enough in me, and I was sure interested in him. The thoughts he sent into my head drove me crazy when I was alone, and right now, all I wanted was to touch him. I wanted him to be close to me. And then before I my brain had enough time to process what was happening I was kissing him.

He pulled away at first, but then kissed me back just as hungrily as I'd kissed him. I leaned into him, pressing hard against him as one of his hands slipped under my shirt to rest on the small of my back. The contact of his hand against my skin made me wish that his hands were touching me somewhere else. The overwhelming desires that were being stirred up inside me were almost too much for me to handle at the moment, and when he pulled away again, I moaned in protest.

"I'm going to take you home." He said softly. I looked at him in confusion. Why was he taking me home? I just didn't understand. I tried to kiss him again and he pushed me away. "You're drunk. I'm taking you home, I won't do this while you drunk." And then he moved me away from him. I watched him stand up and felt incredibly stupid. Why had I even drunk anything? Now I just looked like a stupid girl.

He came back a few minutes later to find me sullenly staring at the floor. He kneeled down beside me and put a finger under my chin, lifting my face so I was looking at him. He smiled at me; I just frowned back.

"Hey, don't get like that." He said with a laugh. "It's not that I didn't enjoy that, it's just that I'm not into taking advantage of a situation because you've had a bit to drink." He helped me stand up and I found that standing was a lot more difficult than sitting. I swayed slightly. Max put an arm around me to steady me so I wouldn't fall. I looked up at him and tried to smile but found that I couldn't tell if I was or not.

"Thank you." I slurred. He just smiled again and started walking. I stumbled along with him guiding me and when we reached his car I found that I had somewhat mastered walking now. I was not walking straight and I was not seeing things clearly but I was having the time of my life. I realized that I was giggling.

"Come on, in the car." Max said, opening the door. I giggled again and leaned up against him, one hand on his chest, the other resting on his hip. I smiled before kissing him again, but he pulled away from me. This time I didn't feel stupid, because I remembered what he'd said about not taking advantage and that had made me feel really good about drinking with him. He seemed to really be a good guy.

The drive home seemed like it took two minutes. I was fascinated by the way things looked as we drove and the music playing from the radio made me want to dance, and dance I did. Some part of me knew I was making an absolute fool of myself, but Max just laughed and said it was cute. I didn't even care about how ridiculous I must be looking and sounding. I was having a blast. But when I realized I was being taken home, I got a little unhappy.

I didn't want to see Katie. I wanted to stay with Max. I was having so much fun! But Max insisted it was the best idea, and that if I didn't want to see Katie I should just walk inside and go straight to my room, and try to sleep. He told me that if I felt sick or wanted to talk or needed anything to just call him and he'd either come see me or talk to me until I felt better. I thanked him again before stumbling out of the car and up to the front door.

I dropped my keys twice before I was finally able to open the door and when I walked inside Katie was watching TV. Her parents were already in bed, which I was grateful for. I waved at her with a stupid fake smile on my face and started to walk by her. Her eyes narrowed.

"Hermione." Katie said. I stopped. I didn't turn to look at her, but I just stopped. She got up and walked over to me. She looked at me with a frown. I stared at her for probably a full minute before shrugging and pointing in the general direction of my room.

"I'm tired." I said, faking a yawn. My words were still slightly slurring and I lost my balance. I had to catch myself on the back of a nearby chair and I found myself giggling again. Katie crossed her arms. Her face looked incredibly angry.

"Are you drunk?" She asked incredulously. I shrugged and turned to walk away. She caught my arm and pulled me back. "You're fucking drunk." She said angrily. I tried to pull my arm away from her but she held onto it even more tightly.

"Let go of me," I said, trying again to pull away. "Just let me go."

"Who were you with? Were you with Max?" She asked, her eyes boring into mine. I wrenched my arm free and fell into the chair, almost falling over. I could feel myself getting angry and I didn't like it. I couldn't focus on what I wanted to say or do. I wanted to lie down. I sat down heavily in the chair.

"What does it matter?" I asked her back. Katie's eyes seemed to get darker.

"Stay away from that bastard." Katie growled. I didn't understand why she would call him a bastard. He was so nice. He had taken me home instead of taking advantage of my drunkenness. She should be grateful he'd been so kind. But then again, she didn't know that he had been.

"You don't know what you're talking about. He took me home because I was drunk, he didn't want anything to happen." I tried to explain and Katie laughed.

"You are the one who doesn't know what you're talking about. You're going to believe that just because he takes you home he's a nice guy? You don't know anything about him." Katie's voice was low and cold as ice, as were her eyes. I realized that she was right. I didn't know anything about him and I was just basing his goodness on the few times I'd been around him and he'd done decent things,

"Whatever. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed now." I said rudely. I stood up and walked past her. She started to say something but didn't finish. I just stalked up the stairs and slammed my door shut. It occurred to me that it was sort of late, my aunt and uncle were sleeping and I was being loud. I didn't care. I crawled into bed without changing and fell asleep almost instantly.

My dreams were filled with yelling and screaming; this time it was Katie and I who were fighting. And this time when I woke up I remembered every detail, right down to me using magic to hurt her. I woke up with tears in my eyes, and with a pounding headache that made me wish I hadn't woken up at all.

When I saw Katie, she shot me vicious glares, and I returned those glares just as viciously. I remembered our conversation from the night before and chose to believe that she was jealous. The Katie I knew from the past would have rationally talked to me about Max, not just blatantly acted like he was a terrible person. Because she'd approached me the way she had I was finding it easier to think of her as the bad one.

I was having a hard time trusting anything she said. I felt like she wasn't trustworthy because she'd lied to me about the drugs. I felt like I shouldn't listen to her because she was doing things I didn't approve of. It never even crossed my mind that I was doing things I didn't approve of either. I was hurt and disappointed in her, too hurt and disappointed to feel the same way about myself. I was convinced that she was wrong about Max.

For the next six days, I would spend every evening out with Max. Every night I would get a little drunker, and every night Max would stop pushing me away as much when I would kiss him. And eventually, by the sixth night, I would wind up alone with him and in bed. Even if you wanted to know the details, I wouldn't be able to remember because the only thing I remember after me taking off his pants is waking up without mine on, and him nowhere to be found.


	5. Say Goodnight, Say Goodbye

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this plot. _After this, you'll see more characters from the actual books. And see how what's happened at Katie's will effect her life back in the magical world._

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**

I waited for three hours inside that room just sitting, wondering and trying to fall back asleep while I waited for him to come back. I desperately wanted to remember what had happened the night before. It was frustrating me to no end that I couldn't remember. Had we slept together? Had I lost my virginity to Max? My body felt sore, and from certain pains I was feeling I was almost positive that the answer was yes. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.

I had to steady my breathing as I got up, walked to the mirror and stared at my reflection. I wanted to break the mirror with my fist, but refrained. This was Max's room, in Max's apartment with Max's things. Had it been my own room or possibly the one at Katie's I would have done it. I would have smashed my fist into the glass until it bled. I would have wanted to not just destroy my mirror image but the real me as well.

I wiped at my eyes, trying to fix the makeup that had been smeared. It didn't work very well but when I was fairly satisfied that I didn't look like a prostitute after a night of hard work I set in on my hair. It was tangled. It was disgusting. I really don't think I'd thoroughly washed it all week. I tried running my fingers through it as a comb but it just wasn't working, so I gave up and pulled the hood of my sweater up to cover it. If I couldn't fix it, I'd just hide it until I got home.

I searched until I found the full contents of my purse because my keys were missing as well as my wallet. I had a suspicion that when I found my wallet it would be empty of the money, but I was wrong. All the cash was there and my keys were found easily enough under the bed. I wanted to leave a note, tell him to call me, but didn't know if I should take his lack of presence as a sign I wasn't welcome anymore. Maybe I was just thinking too much about this.

I didn't take long for my to find a piece of paper and pen. I scrawled on the white sheet, 'had to go. Call me." I left it on the dresser beside the bed, picked up my bag and walked out of the room. I didn't lock the door, but made sure it was securely closed behind me, and then I was gone, walking to Katie's house.

I made sure that when I got home no one saw me. I safely made it to my room and was able to shower and get dressed. Upon inspecting myself I saw I looked much better than when I'd left Max's. I wondered if he would call. I tried to put him from my mind and think of other things; things that wouldn't make me feel sick.

Katie wasn't home. I didn't know where she was, but my aunt and uncle were eating lunch. I felt awkward around them; I hadn't been home much at all the past week. They looked at me with worried expressions, exchanged glances and my uncle put down his fork. "Hermione, is there something bothering you?" I looked at him blankly.

Putting on the fakest, happiest smile I could muster, I shook my head. "Of course not. Where's Katie? I was going to see if she wanted to watch some movies today." I was lying through my teeth. I just wanted to know where Katie was. My curiosity was getting the best of me.

"Her friend Sam came by to get her earlier." Katie's mother said between mouthfuls. I don't think I'd met Sam. I racked my brain trying to remember and then something clicked. My eyes narrowed.

"Sam Harding?" I asked. My aunt smiled and nodded.

"She's such a sweet girl. Haven't you been becoming friends with her brother?" She said, still smiling. I didn't know what to say. I thought Sam didn't like Katie. I thought they weren't friends anymore. I was so confused that I wanted to scream.

"Yeah, Max has been really nice in showing me around when Katie hasn't wanted to." And I wanted to throw something and demand that someone explain to me what the hell was going on. Instead I just turned around and walked out of the room. I went upstairs and locked myself in my room for several hours. Finally I came out, and joined Katie in the living room. She looked at me for a moment. I looked back at her. Then I sat down beside her.

I was about to open my mouth to say something to her; to talk to her about things, about my drinking, about hers and about Max and Sam, but the phone rang just as I started to speak. Katie answered it and immediately her face turned sour. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye while muttering, "Hold on, please." She pushed the receiver against her chest to muffle noise.

"It's Max." She whispered. I took in a deep breath before holding my hand out for the phone. She looked hesitant to hand it over, but did, all the while watching me carefully. I turned away from her slightly.

"Hey." My voice was low, unsteady.

"Hey, I came back and you were gone, is everything alright?" He sounded rushed, and worried. Why would he be worried? I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask why he had left but didn't. I was too busy convincing myself that he really did care about me.

"I just felt sick." And that was that. I didn't say anything more. I didn't ask any questions.

"I came back and you were gone…I was worried." He said. I wondered if he realized that he'd just repeated himself. Again I wanted to ask him, beg him to tell me what had happened, since I was still unsure as to whether we'd had sex. I didn't even know if I wanted to know anymore. I felt Katie shift her weight on the couch. "When can I see you?" he asked. I didn't know what to say. Did I want to see him? Yes.

"I don't know." I wanted to say, now, you can see me now. I bit my tongue. I was painfully aware that Katie was sitting so close.

"Can I see you tonight?" I think my lack of talking was making him even more nervous. I didn't know why though. I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to talk to him.

"That's fine." I wanted to get up and walk away from the room, but felt that would make Katie ask questions. My mind was racing a mile a minute. I was hardly listening when he told me he'd pick me up later. I didn't even say goodbye. I was having trouble thinking. I was having trouble breathing. I was afraid to find out what really happened, and I was afraid of keeping it from Katie. She was watching me.

"Are you going to see him again?" She asked me. I just nodded. She was just watching me, and I felt sick. She shook her head and put the phone down. "I wish you wouldn't." Her voice was soft. Her voice sounded weak. Then she was standing up and walking out of the room. I sighed.

I followed Katie. "Talk to me." She stopped, turned to look at me and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked, not understanding at all. She just shook her head.

"It would take all night to explain what's wrong. I don't have the patience to try." Her voice was low, defeated sounding. And I just didn't get why. I followed her into her room, sitting beside her on the bed. "Max Harding is bad news. I'm not lying. He'll only use you."

I frowned. "He isn't using me." Why would he want to do that? He cared about me. Right?

"Don't be stupid Hermione. You don't even know the boy. I've got years of knowing him and that manipulative sister of his. And if I had of recognized him at the airport when I saw you talking, I would have told you then." Katie said. I couldn't tell if she was lying or not. Why would she lie?

"I don't think he's using me." I said halfheartedly. What did I know? I was questioning myself. Had he really been using me? Is that why he had just left this morning, because it hadn't meant anything to him? Did I not mean anything to him? I felt panicked. I think Katie could see it on my face, because she grabbed my hand to comfort me. I really wanted a drink.

* * *

When Max finally arrived he seemed elated to see me. I just kind of tried to not show how much I wanted to touch him, how glad I was to see him too. It was strange because all the while that I was happy to see him; there was that underlying apprehension, that underlying mistrust. I could feel myself distancing myself from him when we'd talk. I was making it easier on myself if he was just using me. If I kept myself distant, if I let myself not care, then if he wasn't the good guy I'd thought he was, it would hurt less because I'd already be telling myself it. But the problem was that I did care about him.

We decided that we were going to go back to his apartment and watch a movie, order some food and just enjoy a quiet evening. He kept holding my hand, kissing my cheek. He kept acting so sweetly that the thought of him using me seemed absolutely ludicrous. Finally when we were sitting in his room I found the courage to ask him.

"Where'd you go this morning?" I regretted asking the second it came out of my mouth.

"My sister needed to talk to me." And he didn't explain any further. I wondered if Katie had been there. I couldn't believe I'd forgot to ask her about Sam. I felt my insides twist. I was jealous. Should I believe Katie? I had to bite my tongue to keep from demanding that he explain. I had to bite my tongue to keep from accusing him of anything.

Nothing was making sense. Why couldn't it all just make sense? Why was I getting so upset about this? I was about to ask Max something, anything to fill the silence that had swallowed the room, but the doorbell rang. Max shot me a look that said to stay in his room. I rolled my eyes as he walked out. I heard the door open and then heard a girl's voice start talking. Max said something I couldn't understand and the girl's voice got lower. I was immediately suspicious.

I moved closer to the slightly open door trying to hear what was being said. I couldn't hear anything so I walked into the hallway, knowing neither of them could see me, but now I could hear them. And what I was hearing I was having trouble believing. Or maybe I just didn't want to believe it.

"Katie asked me to come see her today. She knows what we're doing and she told me she was going to tell Hermione tonight." I didn't recognize the voice, but I knew that it was Sam. "Just stop it Max, you've already got what you wanted, in both cases. Katie's hurt, and you've already fucked Hermione. Just leave it alone before either gets hurt any worse."

"You just don't want me to hurt your precious Katie, do you?" Max's voice was not the voice of the Max I knew. I felt a little queasy.

"Fuck you Max. I don't give a shit if you hurt that bitch, but her cousin is innocent in this. She didn't do anything." Sam's voice was unconvincing when she spoke about not caring if Katie got hurt. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't want them to know I'd heard anything, so I went back into Max's room and just sat there. I could feel hatred harden my heart. I could feel myself begin to hate Katie for not trying harder to make me believe that Max was bad.

When Max came back in, I hardly said anything to him. It was silent for a few minutes and then I said, "I feel sick, can you take me home?" He looked worried for a second, probably wondering if I'd heard. But then he just nodded his head and made a big show of asking if I was ok. I couldn't believe how full of shit he was. I didn't talk to him the entire way back to Katie's and got out of the car without saying goodbye.

I slammed through the front door and choked on a sob. This was ridiculous. How the hell had I gotten myself into this mess? Katie was sitting in the front room, her eyes watching me with real concern. I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hit her, I wanted to just scream and throw things in order to tell her that she was right. Of course she was right. I was about to have a breakdown.

"You should have tried harder to get me to believe you." I said through my tears and my voice sounded dead. Katie's face was absolutely bewildered and then, a look of realization washed over it. Her hand rose to her throat and tears welled up in her eyes.

I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. I felt like she had let me down. She knew this boy, she knew him so much better than I had, and she hadn't stopped him from using me to hurt her. But what could she have done? I felt betrayed, and I knew that that sense of betrayal was somewhat misguided but I didn't care. I needed someone to blame and I didn't want to admit it was my fault for not listening in the first place. I was too stubborn.

I wanted the solace of my room. I stumbled up the stairs half blind from the tears streaming down my face. I slammed the door shut, locking it, sinking to the floor still sobbing. I hated this place, I wish I had never come, and I desperately just wanted to go home. I could hear Katie knocking on the door asking me to come out, begging me to talk to her. I ignored her and just sat there and cried.

* * *

I hadn't come out of my room in three days. This was a week after the Max incident. I had barely spoken to Katie. She wandered around the house with a dejected and forlorn look on her face at all times. She had given up trying to get me to listen to her. I was still upset, still unwilling to accept that some of this was my fault, and most of it Max's. I was still unwilling to accept that I had been used.

I had locked the door one day and decided I wasn't leaving that room until I had to go home. I didn't move from my bed. I just lied there with an empty bottle of rum lying beside me, and a half empty one in my hand. Yeah, I guess you could say alcohol was becoming my crutch, and I'd finished that empty bottle the first night I'd locked myself in that room. And the nights leading up to the night I locked myself in were spent out partying. Yeah, I just drank my problems away. Katie failed to mention the not so great perks of using this as a way of avoiding your problems. I hated her for that too.

I hadn't talked to Max either. Yeah, I'd seen him, and he tried to talk to me, but I had just blown him a kiss before downing another beer. I just smirked at him with a fierce anger in my eyes. I let him know without saying anything that he was nothing to me and that he better stay away from me. I knew that my behavior was puzzling him, what with him not knowing I'd overhead him talking to Sam, but I just wanted him to think I didn't care. I was so tempted to hex him, so tempted to use my magic against him, but I refused. I swore to myself though, that if he even dared to touch me again, I wouldn't hesitate.

Basically, I'd spent the nights out drinking my thoughts away until I was so drunk my only thought was getting home safe before I passed out. By now I didn't even remember how I'd acquired the four bottles of rum, but I was grateful that I had them, even though I was on my last one. I was grateful because drinking made me dizzy and helped me forget to feel anything. It just helped me erase the memory of hands touching me, of tongues inside of me, of breath on my neck.

It helped me not want to scream at the thought of what I'd done, at the thought of Katie, of Max, of this entire place. It also made me less angry with myself for the fact that I was drinking. I think it was my anger at myself over that that made me continue to down bottles, in addition to the rest. I wasn't making sense inside my head anymore and I found I just wanted to isolate myself now and drown my thoughts. Forget any of this had ever happened.

I honestly wanted to go home; I'd prefer that to what I was doing now.

I sat up, my head swimming, my stomach lurching, my vision slightly blurred. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and didn't even recognize myself. I stared at myself long and hard. And then I started to cry. I started the kind of crying you get where it hurts everywhere, and you feel like you're going to throw up. The kind where you can't be quiet even if you wanted to, and you can't even breathe. The kind of crying where you just start screaming and have to just curl into a ball. The kind of crying that brings attention to yourself that you don't even want. Or maybe you do, and that's why you start it in the first place.

Well, here I was, curled into a ball on my bed, absolutely balling, just crying my heart out, choking in breaths, crying so hard I started gagging. And I hear fists pounding on my door and Katie's yelling out my name but I just keep on crying. And then that's my aunt yelling at me to open the door right now, and I can hear something break but I don't even look up. I just can't stop crying. And I'm forgetting about the bottle, and about Max, and about Katie and I'm wishing I'd never come here. And I'm thinking about my mom and dad and how disappointed they'd be if they knew what I'd been doing.

I started thinking about Ron and Harry and how much I missed them. I started thinking about the look in their eyes if they knew what I'd done, who I'd become, of the things I'd been doing. I thought about Ginny and longed to be near her, to hear her talking to me. I wanted so badly just to go home.

And I'm so caught up in my own little world that I barely notice when someone's helping me sit up, asking me, no, begging me to just open up my eyes. I'm so caught up with crying and trying to get away so I can curl up in a ball that I don't notice when my hand slips off the bottle and it crashes on the ground spilling everywhere. My eyes are open now, and I'm staring wildly around me but everything is spinning. Its just spinning and I have to close them to keep from crying out that I'm falling. Because now I'm not falling, even if I'm still spinning and I can't stop crying!

Someone wrapped their arms around me and was telling me it would be ok. It sounded like Katie, but Katie hated me right now. No, I hated her and I hated myself. How could I have been so stupid, so foolish, and so weak as to start drinking, to believe Max? Why would I ever have thought he liked me for me? I hated her because he had hurt me to hurt her. I was ridiculous, but I needed someone to hate, I needed to be the victim, to be faultless in order to feel ok. I hated her for making me want to kill the pain. If she had just kept her mouth shut I never would have been tempted and I never would have drunkenly slept with Max.

But that wasn't true and I knew it.

* * *

When I woke up I was lying beside someone in a warm bed. I felt sick. I barely had enough energy to move and see who was sleeping next to me. I was surprised to see that it was Katie. I was both angry and comforted when I saw her peaceful face. I was still upset with her, but at the same time I just wanted the comfort from the girl who was like my little sister. I sighed and decided I needed to sleep. I remembered everything from the night before, but I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to forget. I just wanted a drink. I felt sick. I always felt sick. I couldn't get away from it.

I slept for several more hours and found that Katie was gone when I opened my eyes. My mind flashed to Max. I tried to sit up but found that my head started pounding when I did. I lay back down and soon Katie came into the room. She looked at me with sad eyes and then smiled a small smile. "How are you feeling?" she asked. I shrugged. I felt horrible.

"I feel great." I said flatly. I found that my voice sounded tired and sick. Katie sat down next to me and touched my hair, smoothing it down. She smiled again, and this time it was a warm smile that reminded me of how she was when she lived by me.

"Been drinking too much?" She asked softly. There was no anger, no judgment in her eyes. It was just a plain and simple question, one that we both knew the answer to. I didn't want to look at her. I turned my face away and she sighed. "It's ok you know, I've been there too. I guess it took me seeing how you were last night to realize I shouldn't be doing this. You were right you know…I should be talking to someone instead of just shutting off the pain." I looked at her, tears in my eyes.

"Why would he do that to me?" I was barely even speaking. My tears burned hot trails down my cheeks. She wiped them away for me. But she was crying too.

"It's a complicated story…and basically the condensed version would be that when I moved here I was afraid to get close to guys after what happened to me, so I got close to Sam. Max didn't know that she was my girlfriend…and well, I found him extremely attractive. Needless to say things didn't work out when Sam found out I was sleeping with her brother. And Max wasn't really the definition of happy when he found out what I'd been to his sister." Katie wouldn't look at me. I was both unsurprised and deeply shocked by the story. Should I believe it?

"I regret doing that but neither one of them would accept my apologies so they decided to hate me together. I admit, I was really messed up then…" Katie's voice was shaking. I looked into her eyes, searching for a sign that this was the truth, that I could believe her. I found nothing to convince me, but I chose to believe her anyway. Maybe it was the way Sam's voice had sounded when she'd tried to convince Max that she didn't care if he hurt Katie. I still hated Katie because Max had used me, but the hate was a little less sharp. I tried to smile but found that I couldn't. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

And then all the hate came rushing back. I remembered the way she'd looked when she spoke of drinking, of drugs. Max had used me to hurt her, because she had hurt them. She deserved to be hurt, and it was her fault that I'd gotten mixed into this. If she'd tried harder to warn me about Max, if she'd really cared she would have found a way to keep me away from him. "Get out." My voice was low, deathly low.

Katie looked at me in surprise. "What?" And I didn't repeat myself. I just glared at her. She looked lost, but didn't move. I looked around, realizing I was in her room. I pushed away the blankets; ignoring the sickness I felt and left her room quickly. Once in my own room, I sat down at the desk, found a pen and paper and began to write to Ron. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to go to the Burrow. I wanted to get out of the muggle world. I wanted magic. I wanted the comfort of magic, of the world where the problems here and with my parents didn't exist.

I longed for my boring life again. I longed for the mundane existence lived out at school. I had been here in America for almost a month and a half; the time had flown by fast. I had my little taste of rebellion. I had my little taste of being Katie. And now I was ready for it to just go back to normal. I was only supposed to be here for another week, but I was ready to leave now. I think I was starting to hate the muggle way of life. It just made me hurt when I was living in their world.

I thought about my time spent here. Thought about the weeks that had slipped by before my finding out about Katie's secret. I thought about how I'd found an escape in Max, how I'd spent the days when I was apart from him in misery wondering when I'd see him again, how I'd decided to start drinking, and how I'd latched onto drinking in order to comfort myself. I thought about how pathetic I'd become. I felt disgusted. I just longed for the innocent life I had lived before I'd met Max, before I'm come here, before he'd used me.

I decided then and there that I was leaving, and I wouldn't look back.


End file.
